Today I'm officially 34 weeks along. This past week I've had two ultrasounds, labwork, and two dr.'s appointments. The doctors are keeping a close eye on Peter and he is consistently scoring 8 out of 8 on his biophysical profile tests. It's music to my ears every time I hear his sweet little heartbeat. Our high risk dr. has said that he is not worried about Peter's health and suspects that he will be delivered healthy.
The high risk dr. also said that he hasn't seen a case like mine in over ten years. Usually it's the smaller baby who dies, usually it's IVF babies, usually it's much earlier in pregnancy. He speculates that Henry may have died from heart failure. Perhaps his body was overloaded with blood/fluid from the shared placenta. We may learn more at delivery regarding the reason for his death, or we may never know. We're not going to have any special tests conducted to find answers. None of the answers will bring our son back.
My regular OB has scheduled a c-section for us on November 7 (the day after George's 4th birthday!). While this date could change if I go into labor sooner, it feels good to have a date to look forward to on the calendar. They aren't going to induce since both babies are transverse (lying across my body; neither head up or head down).
I had a great conversation this past week with the OB bereavement nurse at the hospital. She is helping us know what to expect in delivery and what arrangements need to be made in advance. She kept saying how unusual my case is because they don't often see stillbirths that have been allowed to stay in the womb so long.
David is meeting with a funeral home tomorrow to discuss our plans for Henry. We are starting to plan a small memorial service for our little guy too. I'll have two ultrasounds, two dr.'s appointments, and labwork again this week.
How am I doing? I'm asked this question all day long. The truth is: I don't know. I'm vacillating between sadness and peace and distraction. The past week and a half have been a blur. I've gotten better at holding in my tears in public, although I'm not sure if that's good or not. Just less embarrassing for me. I'm sleeping better too. This is just the beginning of our grief journey and I'm trying to balance normalcy with the kids with allowing myself time each day to think about Henry and cry. The Lord has given me peace about Henry's soul. We believe wholeheartedly that he is with Jesus in Heaven where there are no tears or sadness and one day I'll be reunited with my sweet son. I do grieve for my broken heart and for my family missing out on a precious little person whose life was over before he took his first breath. I wanted to know him. To nurture him. Tickle him. Smell him. I wanted so badly to be his momma on this earth. We have no idea why this has happened, but through the tears we rejoice in the fact that God is good. He is near to the brokenhearted. He puts my tears in his bottle. He has given us hope through Jesus. Death is not the end.